Feeling the magnitude of my blessings but the exhaustion has set in

We are not even completely half way into the year and already so much has happened. I recognize all of my blessings but the exhaustion right now is overwhelming. It seems to be this way for almost anyone I talk to right now in life. There is little peace to be found on this Earth for most right now.

Last weekend Logan has surgery on his finger. He broke it at school playing football and had to have it pinned. Not the weekend I had planned on that's for sure! He is miserable right now because he is so limited in what he can do. It was his left hand but he can't swim, or ride his bike etc. Entertaining Logan is always a challenge but even more so now. He is one of those kids that needs constant attention. He is always up at the crack of dawn and is in go mode until he goes to sleep. Never a dull moment with him.

I find myself this weekend feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and down. I am feeling anti social and want to hide away from the world in my own santuary (my home) with my kids. I chide myself because I am so blessed and should not feel this way. There have been many blessings this year. I was promoted at work after working so hard. We finally got Logan balanced out and things set up for his IEP (indidualized education plan) at school). Davyd is finally onboard with Logan's treatments and educational needs and goals. Davyd is even being super nice and we get along now!!!!! I feel so much better healthwise since my surgery. It is amazing what a difference my surgery has made in the way I feel every day. My home loan has been modified and is much more affordable now. Also, I was able to purchase a new car last month. This is a huge blessing. I dont' have to worry about whether my car will start each day or worry about it breaking down again. It was costing money that I didn't have to repair it every 2-3 months. Also, I don't have to go another summer in the blazing heat with no air conditioning like I have for the last 3 years. It was brutal.

All of this has not come without challenges and a lot of energy put into making these things happen. Several meetings at the school with Logan's educators and appointments with Logan's psychiatrist and psycholgist. A lot of energy was put into getting my promotion and there are a lot of added responsiblities with my position. My boss has been out of the office a lot lately and we have lost quite a few of our team members. It has been a struggle to train, do my regular responsiblites, and the added challenge of my boss being out of the office so often. We are still not fully staffed. My surgery took most of my vacation and sick time that I had for the year (the sick time that I had banked previously was used for Logan's treatments and epdisodes while his dad was deployed). Also, there were financial set backs from the surgery. My new car payment leaves me pretty financially stretched but I needed this new car and the dependability that it offers. It is hard to not have extra money to do fun things with my kids and to budget every penny.

I have a hard time balancing being a mom that spends quality time with my kids, keeping my house and laundry up, my career, and everything else in life. My yard is what comes last and suffers from it all. It looks like a jungle right now LOL. Also, right now my house is a mess. Those of you that know me know that I must be pretty depressed because I just don't allow that to happen :). Yet I can't seem to make myself keep up with it this week. Ok so the kitchen is clean and the family room and the laundry is all done. The rest of the house though has been destroyed by my kiddos this weekend.

I am grateful that tomorrow is a Canadian holiday and that I get the day off. My best friend (since high school) has the day off as a flex day. We both will be without kids tomorrow and get to spend some time together! I am so excited. We never get to spend time together during the day without kids. We don't get to see each other much anymore with us both being full time working mommy's. She is the best friend ever. I am so glad that I am blessed to have her as my best friend.

John and I rarely have a chance to see each other. We have opposite parenting schedules. Other than the occassional lunch here and there or him being amazing and picking up and bringing me Logan's meds etc we rarely see each other. We haven't had a real date for a month now. It was a Thursday night and we were both so exhausted that it was kind of sad! LOL Before that we hadn't had a real date since February. Dating and being a single parent is hard.

Ok well enough of my ranting and whining. I know that I am super blessed and the exhaustion and depression will be short lived like always.

This week

Hello all. Again it has been a very long time. Logan is doing phenomenally well and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has answered my prayers and that everything has fallen into place. I am most grateful for him softening Davyd's heart so that Logan was and is able to get the treatment and education plan that he now has.

I am blessed in so many ways and seek to remember that always but for the last 6 yrs it seems to be one thing after the other.....Heavenly Father is really shaping me into the person that he wants me to be obviously ;). I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.

I am not one that likes to complain about my physical health to others but I have been sick for years now. Constant low grade fevers, weakness, exhaustion, and lower abdominal pain, along with lots of female issues. Recently, the pain had gotten so bad that there were times that it took all I had to sit at work without crying. The pain felt just like my back labor with Logan. Because Dr's just told me that they thought I had fibermyalgia I decided to go to a new GYN because I knew that the problem was coming from there. I just knew it. Well finally a dr that listened and did a ultrasound and a biopsy....I have a chronic infection of the lining of my uterus that has gone on for a long time. I won't go into all of the details but I will be going in for a hysterectomy on Wed. I am relieved to know that I am not crazy and that there is a reason I have been feeling this way. Relieved to know that I will be well again but I am having mixed emotions about this. I am only 34 and still had the dream of perhaps remarrying eventually and having another baby one day. I know my clock was already ticking anyway.

I am concerned about how my kiddos will fair with me down for awhile.....this will be much different without a husband to help out and take care of me. Davyd will keep them some but I can't even drive for two weeks. I have to miss lots of work as well.

I had a wonderful blessing on Friday night and I feel much better about this. I feel at peace that this is what is supposed to happen. I am so grateful for the peace and comfort that I feel.

So I made it!

It has been forever since I have blogged. It has been a crazy crazy time of life. My ex husband is finally home from his deployment. The adventures while he was gone are insurmountable. He left at the beggining of January and got back at the end of October. Being a completely single full time working mom was craziness. Especially with the increase of struggles with Logan. My poor little guy really did not handle his dad being gone very well at all. It only amplified all of his issues.

I was persistant though to finally find out what was ailing my little boy. As most of you know he has always been a very volitale, high strung, angry and impulsive child. From the time he was a baby and wouldn't sleep more than two hrs at a time and screaming bloody murder every night when evening came around. He began head butting me and bashing his head into the tile floor as early as 8 months old. I tried counseling and testing to determine what was going on with him, diet alterations, reading I don't even know how many parenting books and trying differnt parenting methods, praying, having him get blessings, switching psychologists, the school had him tested, a psychiatrist that perscribed him meds that only seemed to make it worse initially, and then on to anger classes for him and for parents with angry kids, and then finally a switch to the head psychiatrist at Phoenix Children's hospital. I wanted to make sure that he was going to be seen by someone that knew what the heck they were talking about finally. I was getting calls and or notes from the school daily for his behaviors. Calls from daycare/or my mom and then dealing with 4 hour temper tantrums typically around 5 days/week that got very violent and scary towards himself and me. Not to mention several other things I won't go into on here but special prevention teams called by the school on Logan's behalf. It was affecting the girls especially..all of my time was spent taking care of Logan with little help or reprive from others. It affected my job as I had to leave for appts weekly sometimes more than once a week and had to leave often at the drop of a hat when daycare called because Logan was out of control again and needed to be picked up. Sometimes it was the school that called for me to pick him up.I watched my little boy hurt himself in violent rages that were uncontrollable and tell me how much he hated me and wanted me to die. At one point his psychiatrist told that he needed to be hosptilized. That was when I took him to Phoenix Children's. It was destroying me inside to see my kids hurting (the girls were affected greatly by this) like this and I was dealing with it for the most part all on my own.

Logan has a diagnosis that was not the easiest to take but he is responding well to his treatments and I am so happy to see him smiling and laughing and enjoying life without the angry rage. Our home has peace in it again...now his dad is the one causing the drama. He will not accept Logan's diagnosis and does not agree with it and is opposing Logan's treatment along with a myriad of other things.....so yes him being home is a catch 22!

On a happy note..now that he is home Katie can finally get baptized. She wanted to wait for her dad to be home so that he could be at her baptism. She is getting baptized next weekend and I couldnt' be more excited. However, with these wonderful occassions it does cause me to reflect on how my life could have been....makes me feel a little lonely and wish that things could have been different. I have her white dress and shoes :). She looks so pretty in her dress and I can't wait for next weekend. One of the missionaries serving in our area will be baptizing her. My kids all adore Elder Hadley so it is appropriate for him to be doing it :).

I am still in the same home. I can't believe that I have been here for 11 1/2 yrs now. Just got my home loan modified so it is a little more affordable. I am still working at Edward Jones. Can't believe I have been a single mom for almost 4 yrs now. I have grown so much and come such a long way. What an incredible journey and how amazing it is to look back and see the growth and the blessing along the way. John and I are still dating but choose to focus on our kids. We both have 3 kids each so they keep us pretty busy. We see each other when we can and talk every day. For now that is what is best for our kids and us...and hey it works for me and him :). It is nice to be with a man that puts his kids first and understands me putting my kids first too. To many of the guys I dated before didn't understand that. Nonetheless, I do find myself lonely a lot, but I am a mom first!!!! :)

I have aspirations to start school soon. It will be hard and challenging but I know it will be worth it.

Ok so hopefully it wont' be another year and a half before I blog again! LOL

Road Trip

This last weekend I had a three day weekend because I have Canadian holidays. I decided that I definitely needed to go somewhere with my kiddos while they were still out of school. I haven't been on any overnight trips with them since the divorce. I wanted to go to Pine. I begged my mom to make the arrangements and come with me. My mom brought my neice Shalyn with us.

We had a blast! We headed up Saturday. We took the kids to the swimming hole at East Verde River. Logan begged me to catch a crawdad for him and I did with my bare hands. Didn't know I still had that talent. I guess some things never leave you :). We stayed the night in Payson at a hotel. I must say that 4 kids in one room was enough to drive me and especially my mom a little batty!

Sunday we hiked the Tonto Natural Bridge. Logan and Shalyn had a great time climbing all around inside of the bridge. Megan and Katie had a great time climbing around as well and searching for lava rocks. We were all exhausted by the end of that with the exception of Logan. That child has so much endurance. He was running all the way back up the trail and was like come on guys. We then headed to Pine to stay the night. When we got there we had a nice visit with Aunt Ruby and Jack before they headed out later that night. Logan loved hearing all of Jack's hunting stories. He was completely enthralled by them. I took the kids down to the creek for a bit before night fall. It was so fun to share one of my favorite childhood places with my kiddos.

Monday morning mom made pancakes with blackberries on top. The kids loved it. Then we picked some blackberries and headed down to the creek again. I showed the kids where my cousins and siblings used to have our swimming hole. Then we headed down to Nifty Fifties for lunch. The kids loved it there. We headed back packed everything up and cleaned the house before taking off. The kids wanted to stop at the East Verde River to swim again for a bit. It was hard to drag them back to the car. We didn't end up getting home until almost 8 at night. It was a very enjoyable trip and also very exhausting. The kids definitely took it out of me and my mom. But as always just being at the Pine house has a way of renewing my spirits and was just what the Dr ordered. I am so glad that we got to go. I so loved sharing that with my kiddos.

I came home to my a/c not working. Luckily I have a small window unit in my room that keeps it nice and cool. I don't have money to get it fixed right now. So we will just hang out in here for a bit. I am so glad to have a King size bed that we can all sleep in. It is 103 degrees in the rest of my house right now.

School starts next week and that will be a whole new adventure.
:(.

Is the Summer over yet?

Hello all...I am ready for the summer to be over in a lot of ways but not in others. The kids being cooped up all summer long and with each other all the time makes them very irritable. The only thing they can really do is swim. Thank goodness Grandma takes care of them and has a pool. She really has been my life saver this summer.

She just recently redid the girls room. Her and I painted it pink and then she finished it off by putting up the cutest border and decals. So very cute! The girls are excited and so am I.

Today we went to pioneer day with my mom at her stake breakfast thing. I didn't go to my own because I hate going alone. It was so fun. After we went to my mom's for a "safari hunt" for her birthday. The kids had such a great time and loved their alligator hats. So much fun but now I can't wait for the kids to go to bed. They are tired and grouchy.

I am single again too :). I plan to stay that way for awhile. Right now I want to foucs on myself and my kiddos. Unless of course something really miraculous happens. LOl. After dating John for a year and then us deciding to go our separate ways because our current situations don't work together I want a break from dating ;).



Love to you all!

One year already???

So on Sunday June 21st John and I celebrated our one year dating anniversary. It was a year ago that he took me out on our first day. It was Father's Day and I felt bad but he had me and my kiddos come over for dinner. His kiddos were there too. It was fun. He made us Steak, Lobster, and shrimp with baked potatoes and corn on the cobb. Super yummy! I brought chocolate lush for dessert.

The pic is of our date on Wed. We had fun. Can't believe how fast time flies by!

It has been a long time

Hello everybody. I have been in my own world. Sorry about that :). Life has been can we say kicking my booty ;). Being a single mom is a lot of hard work and when you add all of the other drama to it I find it to be overwhelming at times. I keep going though. I am grateful for the tender mercies of my Savior. He blesses me so much and when I think I can't go on anymore he picks up the slack for me. I am so very greatful for my blessings today.

I have been very blessed to have my mom coming to help with my kiddos this Summer. They are loving having Grandma take care of them. This has been so nice. She has been fixing things in my house and doing deep cleaning that I don't find myself having the motivation to do lately. She does fun projects with the kids and they love to go swimming at her house.

My kiddos grow and grow and continue to amaze me every day. They are truly a blessing in my life. Their smiles can light up my day. Logan gives me the sweetest hugs when I am down and he is such a goof ball that he makes me laugh and laugh. I try not to show my kids when I am down but sometimes it can't be helped. Katie is just funny. She makes me laugh all the time too. She loves to talk. Megan is my little cuddle bunny and loves to have me hold her.

Davyd'd deployment has been put on hold due to him breaking his foot. So hopefully he won't have to go until at least the Summer is over. I know it will be a huge impact on my kids and it kills me to think about. I hate to say it but I was praying that he wouldn't deploy until at least the summer is over and the kids are back in school and then he broke his foot? An answer to me prayer??? Who knows!!

I cut my hair in March and went on a trip to the Grand Canyon and to Prescott with my sweet sisters. Melissa, Lynnessa and I had a great time. Lynnessa moved out here last week and is staying with Melissa. It is truly a blessing to be able to bond with my little sister that I didn't get to grow up with. She is so much like Melissa and I despite having different mom's and not being raised together. It is amazing.

I am also so blessed to be in a ward that loves me and goes above and beyond to serve me and my kiddos. I love this ward. Hard to believe I have been here for 10 yrs now.

Wow this is getting long...I have many many other things I am grateful for. I will stop here though. Love to you all!!!!