Feeling blue......and anxious

I am feeling blue and anxious today. This has been a very busy and hectic week. Wednesday evening Melissa called to let me know that our Papa was not doing well and was told to go to the ER by his heart doctor. This freaked me out to no end. For those of you that know he has had two major heart attacks in th past. He had a triple bypass exactly 8 yrs ago.

While there, he decided that he didn't want to wait at the hospital anymore and signed a waiver and went home. They warned him that he would be lucky if he came back on a ventilator. He is so stubborn though. Melissa called to tell me this while I was out on my date with John. Papa would not listen to anyone. I was trying so hard to not wig out in front of John. None the less John is a smart sweet guy and could tell I was not ok. He asked if I wanted to go see my Papa and talk to him. I was reluctant because for those that know me I will at times avoid facing things like that. I go numb. I was numb but John was very sweet and drove me over to see my Papa. I am so grateful that I was with John at that time so that he could help me feel strong enough to go see my Papa. He really is a sweetheart.

When I got there Papa was laying on the bed and did not look well at all. I got in the bed next to him and hugged him. I told him how much I love him. I told him how much I appreciate him being such a good dad to me even though he didn't have to be. I thanked him for everything. I told him how much he means to me all the grandkids and begged him to go back to the hospital. He said that we all go through this and that sometimes it is our time to go. I have to say it freaked me out. I told him that I was not ready to lose my Papa that I needed him more than ever right now and so do the grandkids. He told me how much he loved me and some special things. It meant a lot to hear him say those things to me. He told me how much he loved my kids. He told me how special little Megan is and to protect her. He promised to go back to the hospital in the morning. I went in and talked to my mom for awhile and hugged her and told her how much I love her too. It was a special time. I don't get to tell them stuff like that in person very much and hug them.

Papa did go back to the hospital in the morning on Thursday. They are draining lots of water off of his chest right now and making him comfortable. They are running tests and we will know soon what the diagnosis and treatments are. I am praying that surgery is not involved.

Work was crazy today. April is out on vacation and that leaves Ilda and I to pick up the slack. It didn't help that we were both deliriously tired yesterday and today. We laughed a lot though. It was fun but hectic. Wednesday I went to the dentist during my lunch break. I never thought my life would be so hectic that I would be getting my teeth cleaned during my lunch break. There is always something. I am so glad it is Friday finally. However, this weekend will be crazy. Tomorrow is meet the teacher day in the morning. I have Amy's kids this weekend while her and Davyd are at drill. So they will be here at 5 am. I am already exhausted. LOL. My house will be trashed but I can do it :) I am just feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I had Shalyn last weekend and Monday on my Canadian holiday.

On a happier note, Melissa and I were able to go visit with Kimmy and Matt on Tuesday night. We both got to hold baby Jacob. It was so neat. Kim is such a good mommy already. Will watched all of the kids while we went he is awesome. I was so excited to be able to see my Kimmy. I hope that I didn't poison them with the dinner I made LOL. Melissa and I did eat with them and we were both ok so that is a good sign. LOL :)

I do have to admit though that Wednesday nights are awesome when the kiddos are at Davyd's. I miss them terribly but I need the break. John spoils me to death. He is so awesome. I am really enjoying dating him. It is so nice to find a guy that isn't a jerk for once.

I do have to admit that some situations that are going on lately have been flashbacks for me and have put me in a bit of a melancholy mood. I know that I have so much to be happy for though. I am trying to not let my past effect my thoughts about things that are currently going on in my life. It is hard though. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that. There are a lot of things going on that I won't go into right now. Still I find things to be happy about and to smile about. I am learning how strong I really can be. I am grateful for everything I have learned over this last year and a half especially.

Please say some prayers for my Papa. Love to everyone!